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homecoming

well I came back unimpressed with the last note I left here having people think I was a melancholy waste of space, no I am not that at all.
Instead I sit back and wait to see what lies around the corner in my year of change and spirals where sometimes things come back and that sometimes evolution is possible, the things we can control are nice. But the surprises and the things that help us move along are the things we enjoy and need in life.

broken

well the unimagined and the real world seemed to have turned me upside within only 2 days.
my planned holiday in the trash....
the man.... no longer "the man" choosing the one method to end it that I simply could not understand..... zero communication..... so am wrecked over that.
Gollum can now fetch better than Sara, and does it when he senses I need distracting, after a violently destructive week I am in a weekend that I have never felt more alone, needed to be alone, but wanted just one person to speak up and he never did.
Tired due to lack of sleep, heartbroken, brain fried and now trying to work out what next.
Plan so far:
finally take advantage of the free gym in the neighbourhood, swim, learn japanese, get more uni work done, find new love or at least have fun looking and start planning a getaway for next year... to Japan.. I figure 10 minutes in tokyo should overwhelm me and then I will go see the rest and get lost in my own translation and hopefully find another aspect of me :)

weekend

Had a great weekend up to no good the old fashioned way. Playing wow with old friends and spending quality time with the man. Was great to have someone else online to chat with and to quest with. Have not gotten to share the green text in a long time, but in a guild two people it is expected..... but it is good for a vault... sharing the bank in game life and sharing resources.
Got through a very long vacation of two weeks but here is hoping the next one seems even longer although it will speed by with too many days of sleepin in and not enough being a tourist in the unfamiliar..... still all fresh in the mind... I love Seattle. Good thing..... never know where roads and planes take people these days.
Still working out me... but missing many of the new things I enjoy.... distance needs to be fixed but we are working on that and options are a little brighter now everything else is out of the spotlight.
Kerry B went back to work today and she liked it.... even on 2 hours sleep ;)
Oh an I fell in love with a boat... /gasp .... could someone be having an influence on me :O

my day... the hills style

so I was like so totally pissed off at Gollum this morning when he decided to claw the crap out of my leg at 1am. It woke me up out of a beautiful dream... one where I could breathe. That gorgeous man showed no signs of life whatsoever and no doubt he is in recovery mode. meanwhile I had 4 hours of working out my PC so never leaving it offline for more than 5 months again. Got totally bored playing wow. Made some miso soup full of tofu to get rid of whatever this crap is that is making me cough up a lung.
Then chilled in bed and read some more of my Sookie Stackhouse series. After that got boring I made me a cocktail of herbal meds and logged back in, everyone had disappeared so I hung with Miqe and James for a while.... Gollum was slightly remorseful.... nah mostly tired today from running around like an ass all day. Gave up waiting for a text message.... and decided to get out for a drive and grabbed the much needed nail polish remover.... damn pink nails needed to go. Now they look a little bit less diva and more like I need to rip something up.
And then I get home to find........... I've got Mail. The blankest piece of paper telling me that my divorce is finalised...... so I digitally enhanced it ;)

So I'm no longer married...... not really looking and instead waiting to here from the man that partied too hard this weekend and is feeling it ........ aww poor baby....... he knows where to find the hangover cure ;)

she's still missed

I miss her howling, I miss her calling out, her run to meet me, her banter about random moments and her love for her little brother. Many moments on the couch we shared now make the couch a lonely place and being sick is crap without the little blue eyed nurse. Photos appearing randomly and through choice of a very calm and happy cat that did ever so much to make me happy.
Theres a kitteh by my ankle and that is where she remains, although I'll never mistakengly bump her again, her howl will not wake me, nor her scratching at my door, for if it does it will be a dream. Nobody has ever left this empty space.. and yet one cat, that knew me too well, sits on the comfy cloud with a view of the sun in kitty nirvana making many jealous of the life she had and being a little guardian for her brother so that he never hurts me as much as losing her did.

miss you grem

for Grem

still missing my little blue eyed wonder today I created something that reminds me of her more than memories and photos and had her name permanently placed in ink on my skin. So she will forever remain on my left ankle.
In other news after a couple of crazy days Gollum has settled for a snooze on the couch this afternoon and now this evening.
I have a new desk for my PC so that it can fit in my room and be able to be cabled to the modem and the best bit was that it cost me under $40 new thanks to a good ebay session.... shiny and pretty and so quick to construct.
Now I await Sarah's birthday tomorrow, a belated father's day with dad on Sunday and could someone turn the wind speed down........ it's a Dorothy Gale out there!
1 more week till vacation and I managed to keep most of a week free to do my own thing..... unlike last time work work work. But the real vacation hits in December once again.... I have a bit of catching up to do ;)

Aug. 7th, 2009

love is.....
when a few simple words create a brilliant smile.....
the linger of a taste or the sensation of a touch that continues......
a thought brought on by any song that you hear.....
a phone conversation in the middle of the night that leaves you as warm as a touch ever could.....
never ending optimism that some day the world will stop for one brief moment with that person and that brief moment will last a lifetime.

Aug. 2nd, 2009

it's august, a month of many events..... life itself crazy as per usual.... but getting closer to a point of control for all...... no use..... need to stop the complaining and get on with life as best I can. For the sanity of humanity..... and the optimism is what gets me through the life challenges.
Love and optimism..... optimism and love....... waking up with the future in front and yesterday behind and not the circular holding pattern that life had become.

Brave, confident, happy and accepting.

vacation shuffle

this one not yet over... but already organising the next two sounds positive.... and for a change it is....... so very very happy and hope all goes through correctly... will once again see Winter this year... so that brings Winter count to 3 and 2 with snow...... I have shuffled the plan to go to Seattle for December rather than September.... which allows a little more time for meeting a few new people that have yet to meet me but probably should sometime soon so they don't think a loved one is crazy.
In the mean time I play tour guide to a VIP hopefully in September....... so when that gets confirmed I start booking options for fun things to do and somehow have to buy some more furniture to cater for the needs of extra people in the house.
If Marina goes overseas then I need to get Dad in once again but with just two furry kids not as stressful. SO I have a smile on my face as I go into the last week of vacation knowing that hopefully better things are around the corner.
Survived a day on campus, but hayfever may just keep me home for the second one..... damn it! Had a great time at the conference though.... 4 more years of those.... lol ....... anyways.... sleeping while I can because this week will have a bit of variety in it. 24 hour shift and a regular 9 hour shift.... *cash register noise* MONEY!

July

July is ..... this week's event.... the start of new things.... school holidays.. like having to actually go to a lecture again..... working part-time as a respite worker..... unpacking boxes.... some of which I have not seen the contents of for a year.... do I need to open them? hmmmm.... I know aspects of what I have are missing from my immediate access, but that seems to be the pattern. If I unpack everything have I settled? Do I want to settle in this location. Will I know in September if I want to be here?
Every morning I wake up and think that today could be the best day of my life, some random event will happen and send me on my next journey. Somedays it does, other days I go backwards, somedays I test out the options to make the right choice. I have a memory of 6 perfect mornings thus far for the year....... and they were mornings where I woke up to see the morning sun shining through the window and I had someone to share a coke with.
I sit at home with my gorgeous little boy, a gift that some how also celebrates his birthday at the same time many other events may have or did happen in my life. He howls the house down looking for the sister he has still been missing for the last two weeks. And somehow she'll never be replaced by the dog. I know for the next two weeks I am not travelling the freeway in the dark every single day. And that variety will be my spice of life this holidays and I will catch up with many. For if I don't it will be such a long wait till a moment where I can see them again.
Oh and July is also the month for ending a marriage that somehow never turned out quite the way I had hoped.... damn you Disney for telling me the wrong story!

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